Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.