Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok