*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
scrabbled eggs
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.