“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You learn something every day
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*lint rolls you awake*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.