I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped