I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam