kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.