Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Bartenders are just boneless bars
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.