You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
We need more people like this.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.