Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Ugh