I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
A family that plays together cheats.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”