losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: Itâs tomato wine, chef
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when itâs jaywalking.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google âhow long does [some food item] lastâ what I mean is âI am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to getâ
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
itâs my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or iâll k*ll u with my bare hands
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too đ§đťââď¸
Whatâs with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.đđđ
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we donât get a good grade on our daughterâs science fair project.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Dracâs girl*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: âneverâ was a strong word
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.