[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]