“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Mhm.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor