I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.