You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Schrödinger’s cookie
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Brother?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.