As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.