[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met