3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin