Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.