Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Sniffing the broccoli
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
This is the one
TRAIN’S HERE
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates