Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines