I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//