There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Never forget.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff