I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
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me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?