[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…