Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Banking tips
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Monday
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.