Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
the #horror is real!
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*