You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve