what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
he’s doing your taxes
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Worst bar ever.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them