The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
when dads have a rap battle