they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You Might Also Like
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you