A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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