Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.