MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
good for her
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.