The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
❤️❤️❤️
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.