Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
You Might Also Like
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.