What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
You Might Also Like
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
smartest karate player in the world
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.