Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
You Might Also Like
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.