My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
cause of death:
autopsy.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”