your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.