No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!