The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
goldfish mafia
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”