She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.