I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
You Might Also Like
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
the icebreaker
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.