The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
what?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.