[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.