Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
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My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Air conditioning – not a fan