ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
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Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?