Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
you will never know the true number of layers
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.